Creating Words

I haven’t written for a long time. I’ve been feeling like i have lost my words. So today I’m going to find my words, I’m just going to write. It’s the hardest part though, finding what to say. So I’m going to speak from the heart. Just to put it down in black and white. And as the thoughts come.



Every now and then in life we lose ourselves and when we lose ourselves, we have to come to a halt. We have stop, look around and take a breath. I have been on the most difficult journey the past year - the journey of finding joy. By joy, I mean myself and i suppose in the end the overall outcome is to find the adjective too.

Joy, the word, definition - happiness. It’s something that I have forgotten. I’ve entered an entirely new world on my own and have had to start life for myself this year. It’s been the most wounderful experience (meeting new people, learning, experiencing and living a new life) but at the same time I have been going through the most tough life changing experience.

The adventure of finding myself, has been a hard process and one that will continue but in this specific journey I’ve lost my way, taken a few wrong turns and gone through a few red robots and now, Im filling up with petrol. I’m going to start on a new route and a new road. I always thought that people need to find themselves, but it’s not about finding one self it’s about creating oneself. So heres a few thoughts on how I have lost myself and my journey of self discovery.

Personal identity has always been my biggest challenge. I’ve always just wanted to be accepted by people, for people to love me. So each time I’ve met new people, I’ve changed myself as one does, however, not in the right way. I’ve changed and become someone else, I’ve taken pieces of people, mixed them together and created someone but, in the end, I’ve never created myself. I’ve created someone I’m not too sure about. I just went on week detox and got my head together again. I started taking the puzzle pieces that i had in my head and pieced them together. I spent time with myself and my head and began to do things for me. I found that i started to just be me and it’s the most happiest I have been this whole year. I just took my soul and said right you have nothing now, you just have you, start to create you. And I did. I jingled and jangled and started to piece my thoughts into myself. I have realised I don’t need to be someone I’m not because in the end all we have is ourselves and if we don’t make ourselves happy and love ourselves then what do we really have in life. I’ve been so insecure this year about myself, how I dress, my persona, my quirks that I began to be my own worst enemy. I was my own Simon Cowell and my opinion started to become one I hated. I got so worked up into worrying, that I forgot to just chill and live for me because when I’m living for me, just being me, it’s when I’m most satisfied because in fact your heart knows what your feeing and what your feeling is correct and not a lie from pretending all the time. Then that’s the point of life.

I’ve to know it’s all in my head and that people love me for me but it’s hard to believe. It’s silly, yes, and it needs to end because if I don’t end it, who will? It’s going to be a hard journey but one that will be exciting and fun and new. I’m free and I’m young and I have the world at my feet. I need to “buk up” (as my father would say) and just be joy.

That’s all the words I have for now. I’m off to find more...